Daniel Goes Grocery Shopping. or Scenes from a Walmart.
-you know how everyone makes that groan humour joke about always getting the shopping cart with the rickety wheel? and the person they’re with always makes the same remark about how all the carts have rickety wheels? well that wasn’t the case today. i guess walmart spent some money because when i walked in i was greeted by a wall of brand new shopping carts. i’m probably really lame for even mentioning this, but it was great. none of them were sticky, or looked like they had swine flu on them. they were literally shiny. they also made absolutely no noise when you pushed them, it was like shopping with a cloud.
- walmart is filled with the most uncoordinated people i’ve ever seen. none of them watch where they’re going or check to see if an aisle is clear when they make a turn. people just dart in and out with these huge carts crashing into people, other carts, display racks, whatever. does shopping cart handling skills reflect driving skills?
- whenever there’s an empty aisle i get a running start from one end and then jump on the cart and ride it to the other side really fast. i’m probably too old to be still doing this.
-there are a surprising number of parents who will apparently just let their toddlers wander around by themselves.
-there are an unsurprising number of announcements over the P.A. system attempting to locate lost children. (my theory is that the children that are never found simply wander the warehouses and storage rooms for years until they’re a certain age, then they’re given a blue vest and turned into employees.)
- while waiting for a prescription to be filled i did that thing where you kind of zone out while thinking and focus on one spot with a blank look on your face. unfortunately for me the pharmacy counter just so happens to be next to the shelves stocked with feminine hygiene products. cut to: me standing motionless for 10 minutes while staring intently at a wall of tampons and maxi pads. (i kept wondering why there were so many women giving me strange looks.)
- a boy who appeared to be in his mid 20s was buying trojan ecstasy brand condoms with his mom. or i guess she could have been his significantly older girlfriend. either way, he seemed embarrassed.
- cashiers always seem to be the happiest employees, probably because having people skills is an important part of their job.or maybe it’s just a requirement.
- the guys who restock shelves always seem miserable, half asleep, high, or a combination of 2 of the 3.
- i think i’ve written before about shopping buddies. you know, those people who start shopping at the same time as you and you always seem to be running into them for your entire shopping experience. this time my shopping buddies were a young couple who i kept running into every other aisle. the guy was wearing a plaid shirt i own. i wish i had worn it today.
- in the liquor aisle they sell ping pong balls for beer pong right next to the beers. i wonder if any ping pong enthusiasts are forced to go into that aisle every time they need to restock their supplies. it would suck if they were 3 years sober and fell off the wagon just because they fell into temptation.
- as i was about to reach for a bottle of dr. pepper a large guy wearing an AC/DC jacket who looked just like hurley from lost ran in front of me yelling, “hold on, i need mah cream SoooDAAAAH!”
- a frazzled and disheveled looking man was standing in the middle of an aisle looking at a long shopping list. two young kids were screaming at each other in front of him. he looked like the main character in a movie where a dad who’s married to his job is divorced by his wife and is forced to do ‘mom’ roles with his kids for the first time in his life. then he learns to love his kids and be a good dad. in the end his wife takes him back and he starts to balance time between his job and his loving family.
-a betta fish is probably the only animal i could shoplift easily.
-i can’t find a multivitamin that suits my needs. i’m not 50+, going through puberty, or a child. maybe i’m not part of their target demo?
-whenever i see young couples grocery shopping together i always wonder if they have a happy relationship. i hope if i end up with someone we can have fun just going grocery shopping together. i think in relationships i’m better at making mundane things more enjoyable than impressing her with exciting off-the-wall date ideas.
-Above: Segmented Salmon. i probably looked a little OCD/strange as i turned each can carefully, stood back to look at it, then made slight adjustments, but in the end i think i got what i was going for. i wonder if the next person to buy walmart brand alaskan salmon will notice. probably not, but oh well.
