January 2012
sun’s coming up. hey everyone, the sun is coming up.
do you ever sit on your hand until it gets numb and then
slap yourself in the face with it.
just ate a banana that had no curve to it whatsoever. it was just a straight line. just a straight line of banana.
so weird. the weirdest thing i’ve ever seen.
if you had read my mind today it would have been just one long endless groan.
i’m supposed to be studying, but instead i’m just sitting here reading my own blog. this is a new low in procrastination.
Anonymous asked: Do you have a Twitter?
what he said: oh, here comes my girlfriend.
what i almost said: oh cool, i wish i had one of those.
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every time those kotex u commercials come over i can’t help but think, “yeah, i’d probably use those ones if i was a girl.”
their packaging is just so hip. they look like they should come with ipods or something. it’s like, “hey, maybe you wanna start planning your wardrobe around your tampons, hm?”
i don’t think i’ll ever use a chainsaw. i just can’t see it happening. weird. maybe i should go out of my way to use one before i die. oh but what if i kill myself by accident. i’ll feel so dumb.
really worried i’m going to be on rodeo drive one day and pronounce it rodeo drive.
i always wonder what the guy who narrates the nbc commericals looks like. the one who does the bumpers like, “stay tuned for the office” etc.
you think he watches those? he must, right? he must watch nbc sometimes. you think he mouths the words as the commercials play? i would. i’d get so much delight out of like, ordering at a drive thru or just talking to a cashier and seeing...
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imagine how evil everything he’s saying would sound if he was speaking german right now.
how cool would it be if the president was a muppet. and everyone just had to go with it.
the girl who sat in front of me in class just now smelled just like cookies. like i don’t know if it was a shampoo or she just ate a whole bunch of them or what, but ugh it was amazing. can we make “cookies” the standard smell for every human from now on.
i wasn’t smelling her in a creepy way or anything, she kept like, putting her hair in a bun and then undoing it and...
Off The Record | My Morning Jacket
when i was in second grade and they did chinese new year stuff at school i was always kind of jealous of the kids who were dragons under the zodiac. their sign was a dragon. that shit is cool. i got goat.
i hate when you’re sitting in class falling asleep and the person behind you asks a question and everyone in the entire room turns around to look in your direction and all of a sudden you have to act very awake and engaged.
i wish there was a president who was really into playing the harp and made everyone listen to him play a song before every speech. his advisors would be like, “mr. president, please, the people don’t want to-” and he’d interrupt like, “nonsense! people love the harp!” and go on for 45 minutes. also he’s not very good, just enthusiastic.
Anonymous asked: at least you're pretty
oh shit i forgot to learn how to breathe through my diaphragm for class tomorrow. i’m the worst breather. i’ll just talk and talk with these shitty little shallow baby breaths. apparently you’re supposed to be able to count to 30 on one breath. i’m gonna shoot for like, 70. that’s my goal.
okay i just tried it and i feel like i’m going to throw up.
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those little hand torches drug addicts use to smoke crack would be so great for making instant smores.
if you’ve ever complained about not having sex in a while you’re probably really annoying.
i’ve been using the same washroom for over 10 years and i still don’t know which switch is the light and which is the fan.
“should i make this a tweet or a blog post?” is the lamest question i’ve ever had to ask myself.
sometimes i start reading a really long article or post and think, “this isn’t that interesting, i should stop now.” but then a voice in my head sighs and goes, “come on, it’ll make you smarter somehow probably, don’t be an idiot” and i feel obliged to read the whole thing. my brain guilt trips me into being a better person.
the only thing worse than cold coffee is coffee that’s exactly the same temperature as your mouth.
i’m such a strong believer in the power of placebos which sucks because i have no way to give them to myself.
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toto: i bless the rains down in africa.
evil sorceress adele: i set fire to the rain.
tumblr is the only place i’ve ever seen people end random sentences with question marks? and it’s just really weird? and makes me think of those kids in elementary school who sucked at reading out loud?
growing up feels a lot like losing interest in things you thought you’d never lose interest in.
Melt | Old Lumps
“omg” seems like the kind of thing that could be lost in time, rediscovered in thousands of years, mistranslated into new english, and then printed on future currency. people would be like, “omg? what does that mean? was that some kind of prayer?”
it must have been weird back in the day before airplanes and cars and roads. you’d grow up and live and die in the same little town and never really go anywhere else. the world could be giant or tiny or just some floating island in the sky and you wouldn’t really know for sure. it wouldn’t even matter to you. your whole life was like the 30 people in your immediate area and that...
i just realized san francisco is in california.
people in the audiences of political speeches who cheer are awful. shut up.
i don’t like talking about nutella because everyone talks about it. it’s too popular. i miss when it was like this thing that was great, but not everyone was flipping their shit over it. i’m that guy. i’m the worst. i’m the guy who hates that guy who has that thought. i hate myself on so many levels. this took a weird turn.
go try a toasted peanut butter nutella pretzel sandwich.
you’re welcome, people who haven’t already had this idea.
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every time i use any website with some kind of chat function running on the side i’m reminded of how thankful i am that i don’t have to deal with being a girl on the internet.
i heard about how dane cook did some set recently where he was ridiculously offensive and just totally bombed and it made me remember how in 10th grade i used to lie down on the floor of my room and listen to his albums while i did algebra homework at 3 in the morning. as much as i think he’s terrible now i can’t really deny the fact that i enjoyed his stuff when i first heard it. i...
zuckerberg screwed himself with the whole social network thing. if i ever had a movie made about my life i’d get an actor who was uglier than me to play me. that way after the movie came out people would be like, “yeah, the real guy’s way better looking though.”